Seeing as tomorrow's blog is likely to be a big one due to some Stacey style Oscar coverage, I thought I would post one of my infamous rants. This one is from Oct 2009. Enjoy!
Here it is kids…the rant you have all been waiting for. What brought this one on you ask? A little condition called PMS…Perturbed Ms. Sookerokoff. I've been suffering from this condition for about a week so what better time to RANT my face off. So, without further delay, let’s get started…
1. Halloween is just around the corner. I’ve seen the odd flyer come out for a few stores around town. Here is my question for all y’all. When did Halloween become a contest for who can dress the sluttiest or wear the least amount of clothing? I have seen ads for “Slutty Dorothy” (which is blasphemy in my opinion), Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch and, my personal favourite, Slutty plumber. Yes, SLUTTY PLUMBER. Now, we have all seen it, the 200 lb, balding man in ill fitting pants kneeling on all fours with his crack hanging out for all to see. I ask you…was this the inspiration for “Slutty Plumber”??? Did I miss the latest article of “What’s Sexy Now”? Sigh…I long for the 80’s…the conservative, covered up 80’s. Oh and girls wearing lingerie and a pair of rabbit ears and calling it a RABBIT COSTUME …you DO look like a slut. Cover up for Christ sake!
2. The other day we had our first snowfall. Oh, pretty snow, cascading down from the sky every so gently. Piling up on our cars as we work away at our desks. Piling up inch by inch, foot by foot. We leave work and walk through this fresh new Winter Wonderland to our vehicles and get out our trusty snow brushes and sweep, sweep, sweep the snow away. WELL...MOST OF US DO. Except for the lazy assholes who choose to drive around the city with 3 feet of snow piled up on their cars and a peephole the size of a dinner plate to see through the windshield. Who are these people? I want to pull every single one of these pr*cks out of their cars, stuff snow down the front AND back of their pants, and give them a facewash until they are on their knees BEGGING me to stop. Then and only then will I stop and make them sign a legal contract stating that they will NEVER drive without sweeping off their car first again. ARGH. Call me Scrooge...I dare you.
3. Why do fast food restaurants use anemic white/pink tomatoes that are hard as a rock? Do they not realize that tomatoes are supposed to be luscious and RED? I had Taco Time today and nearly broke my front tooth trying to bite into a tomato. WTF? Where do these bloody things come from? The North Pole?
4. Dear Facebook: Call me crazy but if I wanted to be friends with the EX-BOYFRIEND that shows up daily in the Suggestion section of my Home Page I probably would be, don’t you think? But thank you so much for showing me his picture on a DAILY BASIS. Nothing like rehashing DAILY how he broke up with me by playing “New Girl Now” by Honeymoon Suite into the phone (true story).
5. Jon and Kate. Ruin your kid’s lives much? Why are people still talking about these idiots? I’ve never seen the program and never will. Enough said.
6. Ohhhhh…here’s one…is it considered “hot” for girls in their teens and early 20’s to have the “muffin tops”? Do young men “dig this”? I see so many girls around the city wearing low-rise jeans with super fitted...oh hell, let's be honest...TIGHT, thin, flimsy material shirts and giant muffin tops (or what us old folks used to call a spare tire). Like is this a trend? Does she with the biggest muffin top win?
7. This one is very personal—Why is it okay for an office to play country music or God forbid hip-hop when someone calls and they put you on hold? I personally find this to be extremely offensive. Do you know how much shit I would get in if I played Manson for my hold music (I have no control over it but what if). I think hold music should universally be muzak (elevator music) so EVERYONE is equally offended. Equal rights people, EQUAL RIGHTS!
8. UPS-I HATE YOU. I orderd a CD from Amazon. I've done it before. Usually it ends up in my mailbox. Not this time. After receiving 2 notices on my building that UPS had been here between 8:30-10:30 and 2:00-5:00 (oh, sorry I didn't take the day off to wait for you), I had to call them to make other "arrangements" to pick up my parcel. So, first of all, I had to try and figure out where the HELL to call. I thought I would call the UPS number in the Saskatoon phonebook, makes sense right? Noooooooooooo. Those numbers are for the UPS Store. Let that be a warning. Do you think either one of the stores I called could give me a number of where to pick up my parcel? Noooooo. They are "franchises". SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. So, I find an 800 number on the card that was left. Do you think I could reach a person? Well, after listening to about 18 menu options and pushing about 35 random buttoms I got Paco. Paco was not from Saskatoon nor was he from Saskatchewan. I asked Paco where the hell my package was. He said it was being delivered to my house. I told him I was at WORK like the 2 previous days. He asked if it "could be left in the garage?", NO I live in a condo, "with a neighbor?"...my neighbour LIVES IN THE CONDO. Finally he said it could be picked up on 60th street. There was no way I could get there by 6 so my brother agreed to go. So, he went at lunch time. Well, of course their hours were from 4pm to 6pm. Yes, a TWO HOUR WINDOW FOR PICK-UPS. This may be the SHITTIEST courier service EVER. I will NEVER order from anyone that uses UPS again. As a side note to just how shitty they are. I once had a MAC make-up order delivered to my Mom's office. The UPS guy left it in front of the office door instead of taking it in. It was 2pm in the afternoon. The office was open. A patient had to take it in and give it to my Mom. The package had $400 worth of make-up in it. Useless f-ing idiot. How is THAT for a rant within a rant. TIP OF THE DAY: NEVER USE UPS. Their customer service STINKS.
I am old, I am tired. I must go. Never fear though my children...with the amount of idiots roaming the streets freely...I will never run out of material for my rants. I weep for the future.
Love...S xo
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