My life, lately, has been somewhat of a roller-coaster ride with ups and downs and twists and turns. Actually, now that I think about it, the word “roller-coaster” essentially sums up my life. It is never just Even Steven. Never without challenges and never without some sort of drama. I don't invite drama into my life. It just always seems to find me. Always has. Please join me on my most recent roller-coaster ride.
As we begin the climb, I had my follow up assessment at the gym last week. Muscle is up, fat is down. Weight is the same. And I know...muscle weighs more than fat but STILL. The number couldn't have budged even a little? So even though I was armed with this knowledge, I did something stupid and prematurely tried on my jeans. BIG mistake. HUGE. Couldn't even do the fucking things up. This lead me to wonder why I am never happy with my weight? I mean I was clearly much smaller when I wore those jeans 2 years ago but even at that time I wasn't happy. Hell, I remember when I was 17 and weighed 115 lbs. I was so upset that I was “fat” that Mom sent me to a dietician to try talk some sense into me. I mean Christ, if I wasn't happy at 115 lbs am I EVER going to be happy with my weight? I truly blame the media for this. The constant influx of pictures of celebrities and their unrealistic weights. And it's not like I don't KNOW these women starve themselves and live on lettuce and seeds. And it's not like I am willing to go to such extreme measures to trim down. I dunno. It makes me sad that we are so hard on ourselves and can't find the courage to accept ourselves as we are. Just as we are.
A little further up the roller-coaster brings me to hearing from a friend I am no longer friends with. We were only friends for a very short time, maybe a little over a year. We had a falling out last year that I feel we were both at fault for. I was very sick with my depression during a good portion of our friendship. This made me, at times, very hard to deal with. I know she tried as hard as she could to stand by me and I also know I eventually exhausted her with my negativity at the time. Though honestly? What kind of friend cuts and runs? Anyway, I randomly got a text from her the other day. Basically just saying “Hi, how are you?”. I don't understand why she text me. She clearly had no intentions of rebuilding our friendship. And while it was a nice gesture, it upset me more than anything and just brought everything back to the forefront of my mind.
As we inch toward the top of the roller-coaster, I had a job interview. It was your standard, stressful interview full of questions that have no relevance such as, “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”. Well, dipshit, if I could “see” that, I would probably know where I am going to be and wouldn't be sitting here answering these questions and sweating like a pig out of nervousness for a job I'm not going to get. Argh! AND, to add salt to the wound, I found out a girl whom I consider to me my “nemesis” got the job. Seriously? Is there a curse on me? Should I really consider seeing a witch doctor?
Now, to cruise back down the coaster. My hair. For the past few months it has been light brown with blonde hi-lites. I know, you are thinking “what the hell?”. Me too. It was NOT me. Not who I am now. I swear my stylist, the amazing Kristen Bodnar, knows me better than I know myself. She is uber-talented and honest to a fault. She told me point-blank that the hair I was sporting was not me. She was right. So. Very. Right. I think I just fell into this rut and suddenly felt like I needed to look like my friends. I'm not sure why? Perhaps because guys are always falling all over them while the weird girl (me) stands there. Stupid reason, I know. Kristen helped me realize that I AM different and that it IS okay and that there ARE people who appreciate my uniqueness. My hair is now blackish/reddish and purple. Stacey is back. Kristen, you are not only an amazing stylist but a great friend too. Thank you for helping me “re-find” myself.
And so we reach the bottom of the roller-coaster. I'm sure most of you have seen the movie 'Parenthood' with Steve Martin at some point over the last 20 years. It came out in 1989 and I still watch it every time it is on TBS. It gives a true depiction of family. Something that most movies and TV shows don't do. This movie produced a story that I think of often. The story is told by Steve Martin's character's grandma. It goes like this:
"You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster. Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride! I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."
-Grandma from Parenthood
How true is it that life would be “nothing” without the roller-coaster? As stressful and scary as the ride up can sometimes be, we can always look forward to the thrill and excitement of the wind blowing through our hair on the joyous ride down.
You know you love me,
Stacey xo
ADDENDUM: I could really care less if I EVER hear from or see the "friend" mentioned above. I was clearly delusional when I wrote this. She is truly an awful person...which, as usual, I found out after the fact.
