Well, tonight was the 83rd Annual Academy Awards AKA the biggest ass-kissing, brown-nosing, ego-stroking, starlet-bedding night of the year! I watch the awards every year. And every year I realize that it is 3+ hours that I will never get back. Sigh. Anyway, without further adieu, here is MY take on the 2011 Oscars!
-Sandra Bullock looks amazing. She has more class in her little finger than Kat Von Duh would have if she was cloned. Suck on THAT Jesse James.
-Nicole Kidman can move her face? Apocalypse! Apocalypse! I think it is to distract from the giant white,bedazzled sheet she is wearing for a dress. Boo Dior, boooo!
-FU Gwenyth Paltrow. That's all.
-Mila Kunis-GORGEOUS. Three cheers for flat-chested brunettes!
-Scarlet Johansson...thank you for being the Ambassador for girls who actually have asses and curves. We accept you as our bodacious leader! When the hell did women start wanting to have the bodies of 12 year old boys anyway? And when did men start finding this attractive? Does no-one remember that there is nothing more grotesque than a 12 year old boy?
-Hugh Jackman kinda looks like a platypus. Is it just me?
-Halle Berry. Get over yourself. We KNOW you are a “woman of colour”. You've told us a thousand times. It has nothing to do with anything and we kinda figured you weren't just really tanned.
-Tom Hanks...remove the stick out of your ass. When did you become such a pretentious ass? Remember where you came from Tommy. ”Bosom Buddies” anyone?
-7:40pm—The “hoping to attract a younger demographic” hosts are so far annoying the shit out of me....a mere 10 minutes into the show. This doesn't bode well. Longing for Ricky Gervais.
-7:43pm—Bored as fuck. Considering doing a shot every time I am annoyed. May not make it to 8:43 though.
-Kirk Douglas is amazing. Despite suffering a debilitating stroke a few years ago and the fact that he is 152 years old, he is kicking ass! I love when older people call movies “pictures”. It's, like, so old Hollywood.
-Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo. Who the fuck is Melissa Leo? Anyone? Anyone? HA, who cares! She just slipped in an F-bomb! Fucking awesome! A little worried though that this will be the highlight of the night.
-Good thing I didn't start doing shots. James Franco in drag=Forceful, spontaneous, projectile VOMIT. Jeebus. Who is coming up with this shit?
-Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. YESSSSSS! HOT! English accent, HOT! Scruff on the face, HOT! Modest, HOT! Oh, and did I mention he is HOT???
-8:43pm—Survived the first hour. Two more to go. Christ, two more life sucking hours to go. I need a drin...errr, snack.
-AN OSCAR FOR TRENT F-ING REZNOR (he is the singer for Nine Inch Nails for those who don't know) for Best Original Score. Damn he cleans up nice. I am covered in goosebumps! This is too cool and SO deserved. Must message my friend Justin (a very talented Canadian artist: http://justincritch.daportfolio.com/ immediately!
-Matthew McConaughey will always be Wooderson "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age" to me. Without a doubt his best role to date. Love me some 'Dazed and Confused'.
-Best Costume Design to Alice in Wonderland. So incredibly deserved. I adore this film. It is a feast for the eyes (and not just because Johnny Depp is in it). One of my favourite quotes comes from this movie: “Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad? Alice: I’m afraid so, you’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. ALL THE BEST PEOPLE ARE.”
- 9:15pm—Wandering around the house looking for something to do. Christ are these awards a yawn-fest. I really should record them for those nights I can't fall asleep. Zzzzzzz.
-Oprah Winfrey? WTF? It is impossible to escape this woman. I thought now that she had her “OWN” network she would leave us alone. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE. I SO wish I could tell y'all what my sister, Tara, calls Oprah. She would kill me though. It's one of the funniest things I have ever heard.
-Quick...someone kidnap the hosts and lock 'em in a closet! Billy Crystal is on..let him takeover as host. PUHLEEEZE. We are dyin' ovah heyah.
-Robert Dowey, Jr. That's all.
-9:45pm—Making snacks, Facebooking, taking my vitamins, Facebooking, thinking about where to go to buy good underwear while ripping off my totally uncomfortable bra, eating, Facebooking, wishing I could fast forward through the next hour.
-FU Gwenyth Paltrow.
-Oh fuck. Shoot me now. Celine Dion is singing. First TV mute of the night starts........now. And the mute continues due to Halle “I'm a woman of colour” Berry's tribute to Lena Horn. Why does Lena get a special shout out. What about Corey Haim? Oscar Academy assholes! Corey Feldman is going to be ALL up in yo face now. You have been warned.
-And hey? Where the hell are the BRANGE? Skeletor...I mean Angelina Jolie, LIVES for public displays of affection at awards shows. Meh...I'm just going to be thankful I don't have to see her in another hideous dress that hangs on her skeletal body paired with her hair in an 80's French twist.
-Best Actress Award: Natalie Portman. Okay, you won the Oscar. Everyone knew you would, including you (it's so obvious). After watching your Golden Globe speech... you, my dear, get the MUTE button. I do like your earrings though.
-Did James Franco get paid with pot? There is no other way someone can stand there for 3 hours with a stupid shit-eating grin on their face. Seriously dude, smoke another bat.
-Best Actor Award: *Early bets that Colin Firth wins. The Academy loves their period pieces*. Yup...Colin Firth. BAM! I like him. He seems like a really nice guy. AND he is British (Stacey loves all things British...especially the men). Oh..he just made a diarrhea joke. Like him even more now!
-Best Picture Award: The King's Speech. No comment. Haven't seen it, prob never will. Stuffy old academy.
Annnnd that's a wrap! Good-bye 3 hours and 42 minutes. I'm sorry I so thoughtlessly let you go, never to return. Good-bye pampered, entitled, self-indulgent celebs. You all make me sick and I love you. I spend way too much time reading about you, watching you, and now...writing about you. And good-bye my new blog readers. I hope I have entertained you and put different spin on a very boring awards show. Good night all!
You know you love me,
Stacey xo
