I Just Don't Understand

My brain is typically always in high-gear. I'm one of those people who has a hard time shutting it off. I swear this could possibly be the number one cause of insanity. Anyway, I've been thinking about a few things that I don't quite understand. I don't mean things like war, poverty, etc. I mean little things that vex the shit out of me. Why don't I just dive right in?

1. I don't understand why so many YOUNG families have house cleaners? What is it exactly that kids do to contribute to the household these days? My siblings and I each had our chores that we had to do on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis. How are kids of this generation going to know how to keep a house? Or better yet, learn responsibility? I weep for the future.
   
   

   

   Oh, honey...no, no, no! Don't do THAT! The house cleaner will do it for you.
2. I don't understand why some empty-nesters live in giant houses? Isn't this when you would want to move into something smaller? A great condo perhaps? Why the hell do you need a house with 5 bedrooms, 4 bathrooms and a yard the size of a park when it is just two of you? I don't get it.
   
   
3. I don't understand how some girls move from boyfriend to boyfriend and into serious relationships (or marriage) so quickly? Wouldn't you want some time to yourself to regroup? I don't see how this is healthy. You know, it IS okay to be single, if even for a little while. You won't be shunned by society (even though it feels like it sometimes *rolling eyes*).
   
   

   

   NEXT!
4. I don't understand why people refuse to signal when turning? Did this become optional and I missed the memo? I mean, if it is physically too hard for you to FLICK the signal lever up or down, maybe you shouldn't be driving. If you see this is a form of rebellion or being “cool”, you are a loser. Plain and simple.
   
   
5. I don't understand when it became so easy to just write someone off? In the age of email and Facebook, it seems people have become “disposable” just like electronic equipment and furniture. Why are people so quick to just DELETE someone from their lives instead of talking (I know, it's an antiquated notion) and working through things? This makes me sad.

I dunno, maybe I am over-thinking things. I am famous for that. But honestly, life in 2011 is bloody complicated. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I long for the UNcomplicated, innocent, technology-free 80's.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

'Friends' Lied To Me

I recently stumbled upon my copy of 'Reason, Season, Lifetime'. This is such an important poem. It really helps me deal with the fact that some of my friendships have not lasted or have ended abruptly. It came at a perfect time too, as I am trying to put the past behind me...once and for all.

I often struggle with the feeling that I don't fit in anywhere...don't have a solid group of pals who are together all the time, like on 'Friends'. As long as I can remember, I have wanted lifelong, joined at the hip, for better/for worse "best friends". You know, like Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Monica, Phoebe and Joey. Well, at the age of 40 I have finally realized they don't exist in real life...at least not for me. 

Anyway, if you ever feel this way, give this poem a read. It really does help make sense of things.

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

 When you figure out which one it is,

you will know what to do for each person.  

When someone is in your life for a REASON,

it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty;

to provide you with guidance and support;

to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend, and they are.

They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,

this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.

Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.

The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,

because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.

They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.

They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.

Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;

things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,

and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Stigma Be Damned

I recently finished reading my favourite book for the 3^rd time. It is the autobiography of Seattle actress Frances Farmer entitled, 'Will There Really Be a Morning”. The book was given to me by my Grandma Sook and is one of my most cherished possessions. The book focuses on Farmer's struggles with mental illness and living a life with almost no love and support. Due to my struggles with depression, I read it this last time with a different set of eyes.

Frances Farmer (1913-1970) was a free-thinking, independent screen actress during the Golden Age of Hollywood. She made several pictures and worked with the likes of Bing Crosby and John Barrymore. She did not set her sights on the bright lights of Hollywood but through a series of events, ended up there. Her real passion was for the stage. Frances' mother, Lillian Farmer, was perhaps one of the first stage mothers from Hell. The relationship between mother and daughter was strained at best. Lillian's endless quest for the spotlight by association lead her to exploit her daughter repeatedly. Due to Frances' sometimes erratic behaviour and rebellion, her mother told flagrant lies in order to have her committed to an insane asylum where her life was forever changed.

Frances Farmer 

Farmer's account of her (and others) treatment in the asylum reads like the script for one of the torture movies that are so popular now (Saw, etc). Daily rapes, beatings and starvation were the norm. These heinous acts were often committed by the medical “professionals” and staff who were supposed to be caring for these women. Their most basic human rights were violated on a daily basis. The women were often left naked and shackled. There were no proper bathroom facilities and using the toilet often meant having to go in a pail or on the floor in the corner of their “cells”. Bathing was permitted once a month and no toiletries (or undergarments) were available when the women were menstruating. This, shockingly, was the norm in 1930's and 40's sanitariums. Abuse of the mentally ill was rampant, physically and psychologically. Even the “medical” treatments so many people (including Frances) endured were torture. So-called cures such as Insulin shock therapy, hydrotherapy and lobotomy were nothing short of barbaric.

The reason I am writing this is because some 80 years later, abuse of the mentally ill is still far too common. From emotional and physical abuse to the stigma attached to those who suffer. No-one chooses to suffer from anxiety disorders, depression or schizophrenia (Ms. Farmer was diagnosed with everything from manic depressive psychosis to paranoid schizophrenia). It is the hand that some people are dealt. Until society realizes that mental disorders are an illness just like high blood pressure or diabetes, nothing is ever going to 

change.

If you know someone who suffers, be patient, be compassionate. And most importantly, don't abandon them. Far too many people suffer in silence. Remember, it often takes months, sometimes years to find a treatment that works. Mental disorders don't have a standard one size fits all treatment. If you think “dealing” with someone who is sick is “exhausting”, try walking a mile in their shoes. Imagine how frustrating and at times seemingly endless the search is for a treatment that fits.

Despite the absolute horror Frances Farmer was forced to endure for many years, she remained remarkably resilient. She was a survivor. I too, am a survivor. I dedicate this post to all of the lost souls, past and present, who were/are forced to navigate this journey alone.

“She'll come back as fire. To burn all the liars. Leave a blanket of ash on ground.”--from the Nirvana song, 'Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle'.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

I LOVE Not Camping

Now that summer is upon us, there is endless talk about the lake. It drives me nuts. I am not a lake girl. Never have been. Never will be. The thought of going to the lake makes sick. I don't understand the fascination with “roughing it” or “being at one with nature”. If I feel the need to be at one with nature I will watch the Discovery Channel.

I went to the lake once during high school. It was my first trip with friends. It sounded like a great idea at the time. We loaded up the cars with beer and snacks. Packed the ghetto blaster and our favourite tapes. How could it be bad? We got to the lake (which one escapes me) at about 8:00 Friday night. We set up (read: they set up), drank some beer, listened to tunes and hung out with the boys staying at the campsite next to us. So far, so good! And then morning came. I woke up at the crack of dawn sweating half to death. It was hot and stuffy. I couldn't STAND IT. Along with the rising sun came a harsh reality...I was hours from home and absolutely despised camping. There was no way in HELL I could spend 3 days living like this. Luckily I was able to convince (perhaps it was beg) a friend to drive me home. My camping experience lasted approximately 12 hours. Twelve hours I will never get back.

This hangs from my rear-view mirror. Says it all!

I can't for the life of me figure out what is “fun” about sleeping outside in a tent? It's like a suffocation chamber (though it may be good for weight loss with all the sauna-like sweating one does). And does no-one realize what the actual lake really is? It's a giant toilet for animals (and some people). Last time I checked lakes were not chlorinated so y'all are swimming in urine. Many, many kinds of urine. Oh and how about the communal bathrooms? Not only are they filthy, but they smell like an outhouse. Or is that part of the “charm”? And do I even need to mention it is nearly impossible to put make-up on in the dirty, cracked bathroom mirrors. Where the hell is one supposed to get ready? In the TENT? Not bloody likely.

I don't give a shit who goes to the lake but please, don't tell me about it or try convince me how relaxing it is. I don't care and I don't believe you. If I have to spend my summers alone because everyone I know is gone to the lake, so be it. I'll take my air-conditioned condo over a sweltering, bug infested tent any day. And PS: A cabin with all of the comforts of home does not make it more inviting. At the end of the day, you are still swimming in piss.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

It's MY Turn, Bitches

I've mentioned before that I have been terribly hurt by several people over the years who claimed to be my “friends”. I took what they dished out and constantly made excuses for them. As I got older I realized that being treated this way was not okay and started looking out for number one. I'm not sure if I was meant to learn life lessons from these people or if I just have remarkably poor judgement. Regardless, no-one should have to go through what I have. It shatters ones ability to trust and has a profound effect on interpersonal relationships.

When a friendship ends, I am not one to trash the other person to anyone and everyone within earshot. I prefer to take the high road and be the bigger person, even though I am getting slammed and slandered at every turn. Well, now it's MY turn. Time for ME to do some (anonymous) trashing. 

Some of you may think I am dwelling on things (I'm not). Some may think I still care (in most cases I don't) and this may seem downright catty to some of you. But, in my eyes, I simply deserve to finally say (albeit in a very abbreviated manner) what I have been holding inside for what seems like forever. I shall call this, "purge therapy". 

Dear # 1: You look like a Rainbow Brite hooker. I have never met a person as unforgiving as you. Your lack of compassion is astonishing. I can't wait until you learn your lessons the hard way. And, my dear, you will. 

Dear #2: You are a backstabber and a compulsive liar. Oh and seeing as I have no reason or desire to defend you anymore...you are a “bug-eyed bitch” (thanks for the quote TG).

Dear #3: You are mean, untrustworthy and bossy. You have been from day ONE. And you know what? You could suck wieners through the giant spaces in your teeth. Call a fucking dentist.

Dear #4: You are the most jealous, ungrateful and cheap person I have ever known. I'm sure you still have it written down that I borrowed 50 cents at the bar in 1993. And FYI...Alberta is a province NOT a city, tinfoil CAN go in the oven and Good FRIDAY was NOT on a Monday last year. Fucking idiot.

Dear #5: You are the definition of a fair-weather “friend”. And seriously, do something with that fucking hair. It looks like a Brillo pad.

“The friendship that can cease has never been real.”--Saint Jerome (374 AD – 419 AD)

Some people really DO love me,

Stacey xo

6 Things I've learned the first 6 months of 2011

1. Facial piercings are hideous--After watching Judge Judy and 16 & Pregnant faithfully, I now see how ugly facial piercings are.  They are  like a right of passage for the trailer park set. I had a labret and thankfully my body rejected it after a year of almost constant infections. My body was clearly telling me how low-classy it looked. I now have a lovely scar to remind me of my stupidity.
   
   

   

   When did looking like a BULL become desirable?

   
   
2. Be careful who you befriend—I've always considered myself to be a good judge of character. Well, I am clearly delusional because I have chosen some of the shittiest people EVER to be friends with. These people usually ended up stabbing me in the back. There is honestly no more room left on my back to stab so I hope these days are behind me...though I somehow doubt it.
   
   
3. Quinoa rules—This super food is now on my menu daily. I love it with my whole entire heart. If you haven't tried it...get on it!
   
   
4. No-one is more important than family—I've had an extremely rough year and a half. My difficulties have lead to arguments and friendships ending. My family has  stood by me, unconditionally, throughout everything. They are patient with me, understand me better than anyone and have the ability to put my mind at ease when it starts to turn on me. I've learned that personal problems should not be discussed or shared with anyone besides family. I learned this the hard way.
   
   

   

   My amazing family.

   
   
5. It's WHO you know—I had to leave my job due to an extremely negative environment. It took a huge toll on my health and well being. Now that I am well on the road to recovery, I am searching for a new job. I never in my wildest dreams expected it to be this hard to find full-time work. It truly is who you know in this town. And I clearly don't know a fucking soul.
   
   
6. I will not, under any circumstances email or message or text people when I am feeling down or irrational. It almost always leads to a disaster. I wear my heart AND my brain on my sleeve...whatever I am feeling, no matter how outrageous or irrational, will come out of my mouth or fingers without being edited. I've learned, once again the hard way, that I need to somehow restrain myself from rambling incessantly at times. If only there was some kind of “breathalyzer” type of unit that could prevent this. Maybe some kind of electrodes we could wire up to the brain? Hmmm....perhaps I am onto something?
   
   
   I realize I haven't written in a long time. I was thinking about ending my blog. I even posted on Facebook that I was no longer writing. In reaction to that post, a dear friend said that I don't need to put so much pressure on myself. She said I need to "just be". I can't worry about writing the perfect piece or about how many people are reading. I have to write because I enjoy it. I have to just be Stacey writing about Stacey Stuff.
   
   
   Do you still love me?
   
   
   Stacey xo