Why? Because I CHOOSE To Be!

I am often asked why I am “still single”. The answer: Because I choose to be. There are a couple of other deeply personal reasons (which believe it or not I won’t share) but for the most part, it really is by choice. I remember in childhood a friend once predicted I would never marry and would eventually become a glamorously eccentric woman. Wow. I wonder if this friend has set up shop as a psychic advisor because she hit the nail on the head with this 1981 prediction!

I’ve mentioned before how I feel like I was born 10 years too soon or that I am 10 years too old. When I look back it becomes more and more clear. In my pre-teen years of elementary school I was clearly not ready for boys when all my friends were. It was the forceful hand of peer pressure that put my Barbie’s in the “tickle trunk” for the last time and scolded me for still wanting to “play”. Don’t get me wrong, I was boy crazy like every other 13 year old girl, but my boys took the form of posters on my wall and resided in the pages of Star Hits magazine.

My beloved Barbie's

I remember going to a hockey dance in grade 9. It was great fun up until the end when my friends wanted to leave with some older boys (older being 16!). I did not want to go. I was scared and uncomfortable and just wanted to go home. After being called a little baby and being told to grow-up, I ended up being driven home by whomever it was that was picking us up, while my friends did in fact leave with the boys.

For the rest of high school I tried to be a “normal” teen girl but it never seemed to matter who I had a crush on, I was always passed up for my friends. I was always too flat, too pale, too weird or too “not blonde” (and it seems to me there were a lot of blonde girls in my school). I guess this just added to my insecurities and unwillingness to put myself out there.

Me in Grade 10

 Fast forward to my 20’s when most of my friends were embarking on long-term relationships. My relationship was with a tall, dark and handsome drink of “water” called Budweiser. I was still just not ready to date anyone and was far more interested in going to the bar and partying like a rockstar. During this time, I did have a couple of pretty amazing guys show interest in me but I was far too immature to react properly and because of my high school dating record (or lack thereof) I had no idea how dating or relationships worked. Because of my immaturity at the time, I did break a couple of hearts. I can now say for certain it was because my emotional age was much younger than my chronological age.

I did date a little in my 30’s but I wonder if it is because I really wanted to, or because I felt that I had to. The question of why I was “still” single was being asked more frequently and friends were getting married and having kids (not necessarily in that order). I guess I felt forced to submit to so-called social norms. Peer pressure had its ugly grip on me yet again. But, after a couple of terrible experiences I resigned myself to the fact that maybe coupledom just wasn’t for me. I am okay with it but it seems a lot of people aren’t. Maybe one day things will change. Maybe it is true that I haven’t met that “special someone” yet .But for now, I am still that weird, pale, non-blonde and that is just fine by me. And hey, the word spinster exists for a reason and I just happen to be the coolest one out there. 

....and perfectly okay with it!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

I Remember So I Don't Forget

I remember so I don’t forget.

I remember being surrounded by loved ones and feeling completely alone. I remember convincing myself that I was alone.

I remember feeling like a burden to all who knew me. I remember feeling they would be better off without me.

I remember staying in bed for days on end. I remember the life-draining exhaustion.

I remember having no energy to shower. I remember hiding my greasy hair in a bandana.

I won’t forget sitting at my desk at work randomly bursting into tears. I won’t forget crying in the solitude of a bathroom stall.

I remember feeling like I wasn’t meant to be happy. I remember the look on my doctor’s face when I told him that.

I won’t forget the months when I cried more than laughed.

I remember my demons telling me I was crazy. I remember believing it.

I won’t forget not knowing who I was. I won’t forget that my illness became my identity.

I won’t forget those who abandoned me. I won’t forget those who saved me.

I remember fighting for my life. I won’t forget I WON.

I remember so I don’t forget.

I write so others know they are not alone.


***Our struggles teach us how to fight. Fight, and you will win.***

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

My Name is Stacey. I am a DORK.

I’ve been told I always look very “put together”. Of course, being me, I don’t see it that way but I do always take it as a compliment. There are definitely times though when I am very NOT put together. Times when I’ve had (rather hilarious) mishaps. Here’s a few. Make sure you pee before you read this or you might pee WHILE reading this!

1. It was 1993. I had just had my belly button pierced (by an ear piercing gun, no less). I was pretty into showing it off at the time as not many people had piercings back then. Yes kids, I was a pioneer. Anyway, when going to the bar, I would often only do up two buttons on my tops so my belly button (and flat stomach, sigh) were visible. A friend and I went to a bar called Checkers one night. I’ll admit, I thought I was pretty hot shit. So, we are dancing away and I stop to go to the washroom. Low and behold, my shirt is hanging wide open and I’ve been dancing and walking around basically in my bra. Awesome. Even after this incident I continued to only button my shirt with 2 buttons….but with a little safety-pin reinforcement. Loser.

2. We are in Calgary for my cousin Sheldon’s wedding. Dressed to the nines, partying at a fancy Cowtown hotel. I excuse myself from the table to, again, go to the washroom. When finished, I come walking out to head back to the reception room. People are looking at me like crazy. Like seriously staring. I’m thinking, “Damn girl, you look gooood”. Feeling stupidly confident my walk turns into more of a strut. Then I look down. Yup, my “stay-up” hosiery that goes up to the mid-thigh is now sagging down by my knees. Hmm…perhaps THAT is why everyone was looking at me? Dork.

Imagine these...but sagging down by my knees.

3. I used to work for a group of obstetricians/gynecologists. I wasn’t required to wear scrubs but did on occasion because let’s be serious…wearing scrubs is like wearing PJ’s to work. Anyway, the office of one of the doctors I worked for was at the end of a fairly long hallway. One morning I had to deliver a stack of files to him. Well, on the way back to my desk I see a pair of WHITE cotton underwear laying in the middle of the hallway. To my horror, I realize they are MINE! They had been in the leg of my scrubs…along with a Bounce sheet. Thankfully THIS mishap was only witnessed by ME....I think?

4. This one is utterly ridiculous and former co-workers still talk about it to this day. It happened when I was working at the University. It was a typically long day and I needed a break. I walked down to a friend’s office to have a visit. He looked at me strangely and said, “Stacey, why do you only have only one lens in your glasses?”. I’m like, “What are you talking about?” Yup, I had lost my right lens and had been walking around the hospital (where our dept was located) for WHO knows how long. Who the hell doesn't realize they have one lens missing? I must have looked like an IDIOT. Oh and I never did find said lens. My guess is it will turn up in a file one day.

So, I hope you have enjoyed reading about a few of my appearance-related mishaps. I swear this shit could only happen to me. Why? Because I am Stacey.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo