If Y'all Are Gonna Bitch..So Am I!

Everybody seems so bitchy because of the weather lately. So, in keeping with the theme of bitchiness, I thought today would be a good day for one of my rants. Here goes:

1. Toddlers and Tiaras. This is a show on TLC about the world of child beauty pageants. I am not a regular viewer but have tuned in a couple of times (hard to look away from a train-wreck). This show is every bit as terrifying as the 'Saw' horror movie franchise. These kids, no, demons, scare the shit out of me with their spray tans, fake teeth and caked on make-up. Why is this acceptable? Society is going straight to hell.

2. Home parties. No, I don't mean house parties. I mean Tupperware, Mary Kay, Partylite, etc. Is that the way it works now? In order to spend time with friends we have to fork out $100 on products we don't need? We have to sit through an endless “presentation” on how to apply moisturizer? Or a demonstration of the “patented Tupperware burping seal”? I'm sorry. If you invite me to one of these “parties” you better have a bottle of wine with a giant straw in it for me. Oh and PS. I'm not buying anything.

3. Jars. Why the HELL is it so hard to open a bloody jar of ANYTHING? Is it to make me, as a single woman, no...make that chick (I'm not a girl, not yet a woman), feel, yet again, that my life is meaningless without a man? Dear Tostitos: I am eating your nacho cheese and bag of tortilla chips in lieu of having a boyfriend. Please, I beg you, give a single girl a break and make your damn jars easier to open. I really need a snack after I drink my bottle of wine. 

4. Grocery carts for kids. Is this really necessary? I was at Sobeys the other day and was attempting to turn into an aisle only to find it blocked by a mother and 3 kids...ALL with kids sized carts. Really? ALL of your kids need carts in the grocery store at 5pm? Really? If I wasn't medicated I swear I would have smashed into them like a bowling ball crashing into pins. Don't get me wrong, you all know how much I love my niece but there are some things that I really don't think are necessary for kids. This is one of them. When people are at the grocery store, they aren't there to dilly-dally. They are typically in a rush and just want to grab their shit and get the f**k out.

5. TV shows that go on hiatus for what seems like forever. This past fall I became quite intrigued with “The Walking Dead” (shock, shock). It is a drama about a group of survivors in a world overrun by Zombies. The first season only consisted of 6, edge of your seat, nail-biting episodes. Now, it is on hiatus for who knows how long. I fear the predicted Zombie Apocalypse of December 22, 2012, will happen before this show returns. Tip: Zombies can be killed with a bullet or blow to the head. FYI.

6.  Repeated Facebook friend requests. Someone please tell me how any SANE person can send multiple friend request after being denied several times. Who ARE these people? I've had one person request me 8, yes 8, times. Um, not only do I not want to be your friend because I DON'T KNOW YOU but you now have me thinking, in typical paranoid Stacey fashion, that you are stalking me. I swear, when request 10 comes, and it will, I am getting a restraining order. FREAK.

7. Weather. People bitching about the weather lately is driving me NUTS. If you don't like it, if it is too cold...MOVE. Do you suffer from some sort of memory loss? We get winter every year here. Understand? EVERY SINGLE YEAR. And while I am on the topic of weather...it is called SNOW...not "the white stuff". Frick.

8. Cocktails that consist of ¾ ice. When I order a Caesar, I do not want a glass of ice with a splash of Clamato. If that is what you are going to serve me, it had better be no-charge. Last time I checked ice and water were still free (though I am sure those days are numbered). Oh and speaking of Caesars, the celery isn't supposed to flop over the edge of the glass. Don't give me wilty celery or I swear I will beat you with it.

9. Inconsiderate people. I am sure this will be an ongoing feature. Today though, I want to talk about people who doddle when making appointments. For example: I went for a pedicure not long ago. I noticed my esthetician come out of her room with the client before me. This person wanted to book another appointment (my esthetican books her own appointments). Okay, fine, no big deal. Well, after humming and hawing for 10 minutes about when was convenient and what services she should book, I was ready to lose my fucking mind. Seriously, if you are unsure of your availability and/or what services you want to book, please just go home and phone back later. People have schedules. That is why we book appointments. Assholes.

10. Dairy Queen commercials with those stupid, talking, red lips. Enough said.

Well kids, that is it for today. Golden Girls is coming on. Gotta run!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Work That ASS!

I recently joined the gym after not working out since, uh, for awhile. I had been thinking about exercising for a couple of years but just couldn't seem to actualize my thoughts (code for get my ass off the couch). What finally set the wheels in motion you ask? Well, imagine getting dressed only to realize that your tights are tight. Yup, you read that right. My tights were suddenly tight. I didn't think it was possible either. Upon further inspection I realized that my ass had nearly doubled in size. WTF? I was suddenly the Kim Kardashian of Canada. The horror!

Now, I'm not your typical girl when I go to the gym. You won't find me in overpriced, tight, Lululemon gear. Why people spend a fortune on clothes they are only going to SWEAT in is beyond my comprehension? I don't understand how girls can wear second-skin yoga pants to workout in, either. These pants require one to wear a thong. A THONG? To work out in? I did it...once. The whole time all I could focus on was how soon I would be done so I could sprint to the locker room and pull the damn thing out of my ass. Needless to say that isn't what one should be focusing on while at the gym! I personally need to focus on not flying off the back of the treadmill!

No, I am the girl in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that came free in a case of beer (said beer had previously been my main form of exercise...bicep curls anyone?). I'm the girl with her hair pulled back in a bandana with no make-up on. I don't get up and get “ready-ready” before I go to the gym (I fully understand this revelation may be shocking to some). Perhaps it is because I, unlike a lot of people, am not there to be noticed by the opposite sex. I spent a good solid 20 years (gag) going the bar trying to get noticed (fail) so I ain't putting myself through that again!

I guess the point of this post is to tell y'all that it really doesn't and shouldn't matter what we look like at the gym. The treadmill is not a runway. And Supermodel Heidi Klum is not standing there waiting to say “auf wiedersehen” (German for good-bye) because our outfit isn't up to par. The point is to get healthy, not just physically but mentally too. If I can get off the couch and start working out, trust me...ANYONE CAN! So folks, just go! Fuck what other people think and DO IT! And hey don't worry, I'll always be the sweatiest girl there!

You know you love me,

Stacey AKA the Kim Kardashian of Canada xo

Kim Kardashian AKA my butt twin

2011 Academy Awards Coverage--Stacey Style

Well, tonight was the 83^rd Annual Academy Awards AKA the biggest ass-kissing, brown-nosing, ego-stroking, starlet-bedding night of the year! I watch the awards every year. And every year I realize that it is 3+ hours that I will never get back. Sigh. Anyway, without further adieu, here is MY take on the 2011 Oscars!

-Sandra Bullock looks amazing. She has more class in her little finger than Kat Von Duh would have if she was cloned. Suck on THAT Jesse James.

-Nicole Kidman can move her face? Apocalypse! Apocalypse! I think it is to distract from the giant white,bedazzled sheet she is wearing for a dress. Boo Dior, boooo!

-FU Gwenyth Paltrow. That's all.

-Mila Kunis-GORGEOUS. Three cheers for flat-chested brunettes!

-Scarlet Johansson...thank you for being the Ambassador for girls who actually have asses and curves. We accept you as our bodacious leader! When the hell did women start wanting to have the bodies of 12 year old boys anyway? And when did men start finding this attractive? Does no-one remember that there is nothing more grotesque than a 12 year old boy?

-Hugh Jackman kinda looks like a platypus. Is it just me?

-Halle Berry. Get over yourself. We KNOW you are a “woman of colour”. You've told us a thousand times. It has nothing to do with anything and we kinda figured you weren't just really tanned.

-Tom Hanks...remove the stick out of your ass. When did you become such a pretentious ass? Remember where you came from Tommy. ”Bosom Buddies” anyone?

-7:40pm—The “hoping to attract a younger demographic” hosts are so far annoying the shit out of me....a mere 10 minutes into the show. This doesn't bode well. Longing for Ricky Gervais.

-7:43pm—Bored as fuck. Considering doing a shot every time I am annoyed. May not make it to 8:43 though.

-Kirk Douglas is amazing. Despite suffering a debilitating stroke a few years ago and the fact that he is 152 years old, he is kicking ass! I love when older people call movies “pictures”. It's, like, so old Hollywood.

-Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo. Who the fuck is Melissa Leo? Anyone? Anyone? HA, who cares! She just slipped in an F-bomb! Fucking awesome! A little worried though that this will be the highlight of the night.

-Good thing I didn't start doing shots. James Franco in drag=Forceful, spontaneous, projectile VOMIT. Jeebus. Who is coming up with this shit?

-Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. YESSSSSS! HOT! English accent, HOT! Scruff on the face, HOT! Modest, HOT! Oh, and did I mention he is HOT???

-8:43pm—Survived the first hour. Two more to go. Christ, two more life sucking hours to go. I need a drin...errr, snack.

-AN OSCAR FOR TRENT F-ING REZNOR (he is the singer for Nine Inch Nails for those who don't know) for Best Original Score. Damn he cleans up nice. I am covered in goosebumps! This is too cool and SO deserved. Must message my friend Justin (a very talented Canadian artist: http://justincritch.daportfolio.com/  immediately!

-Matthew McConaughey will always be Wooderson "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age" to me. Without a doubt his best role to date. Love me some 'Dazed and Confused'.

-Best Costume Design to Alice in Wonderland. So incredibly deserved. I adore this film. It is a feast for the eyes (and not just because Johnny Depp is in it). One of my favourite quotes comes from this movie: “Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad? Alice: I’m afraid so, you’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. ALL THE BEST PEOPLE ARE.”

- 9:15pm—Wandering around the house looking for something to do. Christ are these awards a yawn-fest. I really should record them for those nights I can't fall asleep. Zzzzzzz.

-Oprah Winfrey? WTF? It is impossible to escape this woman. I thought now that she had her “OWN” network she would leave us alone. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE. I SO wish I could tell y'all what my sister, Tara, calls Oprah. She would kill me though. It's one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

-Quick...someone kidnap the hosts and lock 'em in a closet! Billy Crystal is on..let him takeover as host. PUHLEEEZE. We are dyin' ovah heyah.

-Robert Dowey, Jr. That's all.

-9:45pm—Making snacks, Facebooking, taking my vitamins, Facebooking, thinking about where to go to buy good underwear while ripping off my totally uncomfortable bra, eating, Facebooking, wishing I could fast forward through the next hour.

-FU Gwenyth Paltrow.

-Oh fuck. Shoot me now. Celine Dion is singing. First TV mute of the night starts........now. And the mute continues due to Halle “I'm a woman of colour” Berry's tribute to Lena Horn. Why does Lena get a special shout out. What about Corey Haim? Oscar Academy assholes! Corey Feldman is going to be ALL up in yo face now. You have been warned.

-And hey? Where the hell are the BRANGE? Skeletor...I mean Angelina Jolie, LIVES for public displays of affection at awards shows. Meh...I'm just going to be thankful I don't have to see her in another hideous dress that hangs on her skeletal body paired with her hair in an 80's French twist.

-Best Actress Award: Natalie Portman. Okay, you won the Oscar. Everyone knew you would, including you (it's so obvious). After watching your Golden Globe speech... you, my dear, get the MUTE button. I do like your earrings though.

-Did James Franco get paid with pot? There is no other way someone can stand there for 3 hours with a stupid shit-eating grin on their face. Seriously dude, smoke another bat.

-Best Actor Award: *Early bets that Colin Firth wins. The Academy loves their period pieces*. Yup...Colin Firth. BAM! I like him. He seems like a really nice guy. AND he is British (Stacey loves all things British...especially the men). Oh..he just made a diarrhea joke. Like him even more now!

-Best Picture Award: The King's Speech. No comment. Haven't seen it, prob never will. Stuffy old academy.

Annnnd that's a wrap! Good-bye 3 hours and 42 minutes. I'm sorry I so thoughtlessly let you go, never to return. Good-bye pampered, entitled, self-indulgent celebs. You all make me sick and I love you. I spend way too much time reading about you, watching you, and now...writing about you. And good-bye my new blog readers. I hope I have entertained you and put different spin on a very boring awards show. Good night all!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

The Little Girl in the Black Dress (Inspired by a true story)

The little girl in the black dress walked through the park. It was a bright, sunny day yet she was surrounded by darkness. The children in the distance were enveloped by light. It seemed to emanate from within. The little girl tried to outrun the darkness but couldn't. No matter how hard she tried or how fast she ran the darkness pulled her back. She screamed in the shadows but no-one could hear her. Weak from defeat, she curled up in a ball and let sorrow consume her.

Then one day, many months later, the little girl woke up. She felt something she had never felt before. She felt strong. As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes she realized that the light had found her. The same light that she had tried so desperately to run toward. The light that surrounded the children in the park. She got up, straightened her black dress and started to run. She turned her head and looked back expecting to be captured, once again, by the ebony haze. Only this time, she had defeated the darkness. She had outrun the shadows.

An Oldie but Goodie...

Seeing as tomorrow's blog is likely to be a big one due to some Stacey style Oscar coverage, I thought I would post one of my infamous rants. This one is from Oct 2009. Enjoy! 


Here it is kids…the rant you have all been waiting for. What brought this one on you ask? A little condition called PMS…Perturbed Ms. Sookerokoff. I've been suffering from this condition for about a week so what better time to RANT my face off. So, without further delay, let’s get started… 

1. Halloween is just around the corner. I’ve seen the odd flyer come out for a few stores around town. Here is my question for all y’all. When did Halloween become a contest for who can dress the sluttiest or wear the least amount of clothing? I have seen ads for “Slutty Dorothy” (which is blasphemy in my opinion), Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch and, my personal favourite, Slutty plumber. Yes, SLUTTY PLUMBER. Now, we have all seen it, the 200 lb, balding man in ill fitting pants kneeling on all fours with his crack hanging out for all to see. I ask you…was this the inspiration for “Slutty Plumber”??? Did I miss the latest article of “What’s Sexy Now”? Sigh…I long for the 80’s…the conservative, covered up 80’s. Oh and girls wearing lingerie and a pair of rabbit ears and calling it a RABBIT COSTUME …you DO look like a slut. Cover up for Christ sake! 

2. The other day we had our first snowfall. Oh, pretty snow, cascading down from the sky every so gently. Piling up on our cars as we work away at our desks. Piling up inch by inch, foot by foot. We leave work and walk through this fresh new Winter Wonderland to our vehicles and get out our trusty snow brushes and sweep, sweep, sweep the snow away. WELL...MOST OF US DO. Except for the lazy assholes who choose to drive around the city with 3 feet of snow piled up on their cars and a peephole the size of a dinner plate to see through the windshield. Who are these people? I want to pull every single one of these pr*cks out of their cars, stuff snow down the front AND back of their pants, and give them a facewash until they are on their knees BEGGING me to stop. Then and only then will I stop and make them sign a legal contract stating that they will NEVER drive without sweeping off their car first again. ARGH. Call me Scrooge...I dare you. 

3. Why do fast food restaurants use anemic white/pink tomatoes that are hard as a rock? Do they not realize that tomatoes are supposed to be luscious and RED? I had Taco Time today and nearly broke my front tooth trying to bite into a tomato. WTF? Where do these bloody things come from? The North Pole? 

4. Dear Facebook: Call me crazy but if I wanted to be friends with the EX-BOYFRIEND that shows up daily in the Suggestion section of my Home Page I probably would be, don’t you think? But thank you so much for showing me his picture on a DAILY BASIS. Nothing like rehashing DAILY how he broke up with me by playing “New Girl Now” by Honeymoon Suite into the phone (true story). 

5. Jon and Kate. Ruin your kid’s lives much? Why are people still talking about these idiots? I’ve never seen the program and never will. Enough said. 

6. Ohhhhh…here’s one…is it considered “hot” for girls in their teens and early 20’s to have the “muffin tops”? Do young men “dig this”? I see so many girls around the city wearing low-rise jeans with super fitted...oh hell, let's be honest...TIGHT, thin, flimsy material shirts and giant muffin tops (or what us old folks used to call a spare tire). Like is this a trend? Does she with the biggest muffin top win? 

7. This one is very personal—Why is it okay for an office to play country music or God forbid hip-hop when someone calls and they put you on hold? I personally find this to be extremely offensive. Do you know how much shit I would get in if I played Manson for my hold music (I have no control over it but what if). I think hold music should universally be muzak (elevator music) so EVERYONE is equally offended. Equal rights people, EQUAL RIGHTS! 

8. UPS-I HATE YOU. I orderd a CD from Amazon. I've done it before. Usually it ends up in my mailbox. Not this time. After receiving 2 notices on my building that UPS had been here between 8:30-10:30 and 2:00-5:00 (oh, sorry I didn't take the day off to wait for you), I had to call them to make other "arrangements" to pick up my parcel. So, first of all, I had to try and figure out where the HELL to call. I thought I would call the UPS number in the Saskatoon phonebook, makes sense right? Noooooooooooo. Those numbers are for the UPS Store. Let that be a warning. Do you think either one of the stores I called could give me a number of where to pick up my parcel? Noooooo. They are "franchises". SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. So, I find an 800 number on the card that was left. Do you think I could reach a person? Well, after listening to about 18 menu options and pushing about 35 random buttoms I got Paco. Paco was not from Saskatoon nor was he from Saskatchewan. I asked Paco where the hell my package was. He said it was being delivered to my house. I told him I was at WORK like the 2 previous days. He asked if it "could be left in the garage?", NO I live in a condo, "with a neighbor?"...my neighbour LIVES IN THE CONDO. Finally he said it could be picked up on 60th street. There was no way I could get there by 6 so my brother agreed to go. So, he went at lunch time. Well, of course their hours were from 4pm to 6pm. Yes, a TWO HOUR WINDOW FOR PICK-UPS. This may be the SHITTIEST courier service EVER. I will NEVER order from anyone that uses UPS again. As a side note to just how shitty they are. I once had a MAC make-up order delivered to my Mom's office. The UPS guy left it in front of the office door instead of taking it in. It was 2pm in the afternoon. The office was open. A patient had to take it in and give it to my Mom. The package had $400 worth of make-up in it. Useless f-ing idiot. How is THAT for a rant within a rant. TIP OF THE DAY: NEVER USE UPS. Their customer service STINKS. 

I am old, I am tired. I must go. Never fear though my children...with the amount of idiots roaming the streets freely...I will never run out of material for my rants. I weep for the future. 

Love...S xo

Oh, Charlie

I woke up this morning and, as usual, read my celebrity blogs. I mean, who can start the day without knowing what is going on with our precious celebrities??? Those who know me, know that I have a bit of an unabashed obsession with celebs. It started when I was probably 7 or 8...for real (I know this age is common now but back in the..uh...day...it wasn't). My Grandma Sook always had tons of movie star books (I have them now) and she was a faithful Enquirer reader. Scouring the news stand rag was something we did together. I look back on that time fondly.

Anyway, I digress. The first article I read this morning was on Charlie Sheen. His show "Two and a Half Men" has stopped production. Charlie is up in arms and went on a rant about the producer of the show. Here is the quote that inspired today's post:

"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."-Charlie Sheen


Dear Charlie:
You are batshit fucking crazy and I love you. Please do not go to rehab. The coked out, porn star screwing, train wreck Charlie kicks ass! We are desperate for more quotes like this. Call me...I will be your loyal enabler.
Love: Stacey xo

In my opinion, Charlie Sheen is responsible for one of the hands-down sexiest scenes in cinematic history. A pic is worth a thousand words:

His role as "boy in police station" was HOT. I would pay ANYTHING to see that scene remade with Jennifer and Charlie NOW. It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Anyway...have a great weekend. If you are cold...drink Jag. It cures everything.

You know you love me,
Stacey xo

Here Goes Nothin'

Hey! It's me...Stace! Welcome to my blog, "Stacey Stuff" or as I like to call it, "Inane Ramblings of a Self-professed Crazy Person".

Over the years I have had several friends essentially BEG me to start a blog. Okay, beg may be a bit of an overstatement but it's been suggested to me often. Even before the creation of the world wide web/blogosphere I was encouraged to write, old fashioned style...you know...actually WRITE...with a pen and paper. Some of you youngins out there may not understand that concept. Why anyone wants to read what goes on in my head is beyond me. Sometimes I wish I could escape mySELF!

Basically, Stacey Stuff is going to be just that. Things that I love, things that I hate, things that piss me off, things that blow my mind. I tend to write like I talk. So with that being said...at times the language may be a tad colourful. But, I am a firm believer that the odd expletive thrown into a sentence makes it that much more descriptive (or maybe I just like to swear?). I don't plan on offending anyone but, it may happen from time to time. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to use it. I am also a very passionate person who doesn't think before she talks...writes...and soon, blogs.

I am unsure as to the frequency of my postings but going by how much I write in my head while trying to sleep, I imagine it will be often. I also imagine a lot of these posts will be written in the wee hours of the night, which for whatever reason, is when I am the most inspired. Apparently this is common among those who are creative...or insane.

I'm still learning how this whole blogging thing works so bear with me. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

You know you love me,
Stacey xo