(A Few of ) My Secrets to an Enjoyable Life

I've been reflecting a lot on the last year. Where I was last year at this time, and where I am now. It is basically night and day. It's amazing how far I have come in a year. My life has totally changed. I am a totally different person. I am now one of the positive people I used to envy (and have great disdain for). Who would have ever thought?

There are a few things that I think can make our lives go extra smoothly. I'm not talking about being debt-free or having a good job. I am talking about little things that can make life better. If you stick to this list...your life will rock. Trust me!

1. Everyone should have a great esthetician. There is really nothing more important than good eyebrows. Eyebrows frame your face and can totally change how you look. I used to have a friend who had super thin brows. I did her make-up one day and GAVE her brows. She. Looked. Amazing! If you spend money on any kind of beauty service... spend it on an eyebrow wax from a REPUTABLE esthetician (there are a lot of bad ones out here judging from the eyebrows I see walking around the city). Ernie's friend/partner (?) Bert is not who you want to model your brows after. Neither is the East L.A gang-leader's girlfriend
   
   
2. Always have beer in the fridge. You never know when someone is going to pop over. Sitting around with a good friend and a cold one, shooting the shit can be one of the most enjoyable experiences. Often, the best times are totally unplanned (which is amazing for me considering I used to write itineraries on the day my friends and I went to the exhibition!). 
   
   
3. And on that note...always have Jagermeister in the freezer. Jagermeister is in the same category as tea-tree oil. It has many, many uses, a lot of them medicinal! Too full? Have a shot! Upset tummy? Have a shot! Nervous/uneasy? Have a shot! Have a zit? Dab it with Jag (haha...kidding!). A friend was getting ready for a first date not long ago. She was soooo nervous. I told her to have a shot of Jag to ease her nervous tummy. She didn't have any so I immediately got in my car and personally delivered a shot to her! It really is THE Nectar of the Gods!
   
   
4. Cream cheese. If you always have a brick of cream cheese on hand...you are good to go! Need to make an unexpected appetizer? Don't have any ideas for supper? Bust out the cream cheese and your options are endless!
   
   
5. Black dresses. All the girls out there know this but how many have one? I mean a really good one? My closet is full of black dresses (probably because all I wear is black...Goth much?) but to those who don't have one? Get shopping. A black dress can take you from a wedding to a bar on a Friday night. You can wear it to work with heels or to run errands with flats. As we know, black is very forgiving when it comes to the figure flaws that we ALL have. Black...Not just for funerals anymore!
   
   
6. I wasn't going to include stuff like this but, I have to. GOOD friends! Hang onto them and never let go. Over the past 5 years I have purged all the trash from my life. This has included several people who claimed to be “friends”. Friends do not make you feel bad, do not abandon you during the rough times and, in this day and age, write Facebook statuses to hurt you. If you have people in your life who do this? Get rid of them. NOW. I did it and have never looked back. I am now surrounded by the most amazing and supportive people I have ever known.
   
   
7. Read! I had a conversation with a friend the other night. He isn't a big reader. We were talking about how judgey some people can be when they find out someone doesn't like to read. I don't give a shit who reads or not. I just know that in the last year I have turned into somewhat of a voracious reader and have learned SO much. And I don't mean in a scholarly way. I tend to read a lot of autobiographies. Learning from others life experiences can have a profound effect on our own lives. Trust me. I mean it's because of Motley Crue's 'The Dirt' that I have decided to stick with vodka/soda as opposed to doing 8-balls of heroin ;).
   
   
8. Good tunes are the soundtracks of our lives. Songs can bring back memories, take us back to a time in our lives and help us through hard times. There are a few bands that I listened to last year whose lyrics absolutely, without a doubt, helped me through some very dark days. Wanna feel like you are 13 again? Throw on Duran Duran. Need to get pumped up to go out when you are dead tired? Spin a Gaga or Britney disc. Feeling angry? Eminem will help you get your aggressions out. I would die without my tunes.
   
   
9. Take too many of pictures. I have my camera with me at all times. In the age of digital cameras we can now take TONS of pictures and print them off ourselves, at our leisure. We don't have to worry about taking the “film” in to get developed (amazing that my niece will probably never know what “film” is!) or about some stranger looking at our pics (hehe). What we need to do is start taking pictures of everyday life...your Mom in the kitchen baking bread, your Dad BBQing, your Grandma sitting in her favourite chair. It's the little things like that that we have a hard time remembering. It's those little things that really are more important than taking pictures of people you barely know at your second cousin's third wedding.
   
   
10. Finally...and this one is so very important. Accept people for who they are. There is always going to be something about our friends and family members that irritates the shit out of us! That is life. We are all so unique it is inevitable. We have to embrace our differences and our quirks. We have to accept that we ALL go through hard times and sometimes say and do things that will hurt or piss someone off. Forgive. We all make mistakes. EVERYONE makes mistakes.

I didn't intend for this list to take such a heartfelt turn. I guess as I was writing, these are the things that stood out in the forefront of my mind. Anyway... be happy! I can finally say that after A LOT of work, I genuinely am. And don't worry...Smart-Ass Stacey will be back next time!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Adventures in...uh...Zellers?

So I went to the Zellers last night out of boredom. It used to be a Walmart but after Walmart moved to Stonehenge, Zellers took over. I often go to Zellers because they have really cheap, funky costume jewellery (bought a kick-ass ring for $3!) and an awesome Rubbermaid selection (I love organizing stuff and putting it in containers...um...yeah).

I encountered some weirdo people there last night. First and foremost, the swearing guy in the men's underwear department. You may be asking yourself what I was doing in the men's underwear department. Well, I like to look at the pictures on the packages of underwear. HA...kidding (?). I was looking for some cheapo, packaged v-neck t-shirts to wear to the gym. Anyway, Zellers is typically VERY unorganized so I was in that section for awhile. There was also a 20-something guy in that section at the same time. I don't know WTF was going on with this guy but he would randomly start swearing every couple of minutes (and I'm certain it wasn't Tourette's). I avoided making eye contact in case he was about to go postal (if I'm going to be held hostage I want it to be somewhere a lot cooler than Zellers). Not sure if he couldn't find his size, colour, style. Maybe he was wanting a gold g-string or zebra print manties and discovered that Zellers isn't quite that risque. Whatever it was....WEIRD.

I then headed to my beloved jewellery section. There is always a ton of shit on sale and thrown into bins. While I was going through the ring bin, a sales associate started hovering around me. It didn't matter if I moved 3 feet to the left or to the right, she was there. She was looking at me like I was a 16 year old attempting to steal condoms. Seriously, what the hell?

I ended up having to make 2 separate purchases due to my age-related failing memory. When I was paying for my first batch of stuff, the woman in front of me discovered her HBC Rewards card was not working. After the cashier explained it to her I started telling her about how the same thing randomly happened to my card at the Bay and how it was such a pain, blah, blah, blah. The woman stood there and stared at me. Didn't say a word, just stared at me. It. Was. Awkward. Perhaps she was under the impression that most teenagers are little assholes and was shocked that one was actually talking to her? I dunno. People are fucked.

Next up I thought I would venture into Circle Mall. Bad idea. The guy at the flat-iron kiosk started chasing me. Listen BUD...first of all, my hair is board straight and even if it wasn't, I wouldn't get it straightened by some random yahoo in the middle of the freakin' MALL. Beat it!

I figured I needed some refuge and strolled into the record store (do people still call them “record” stores?). There were GIANT yellow signs that said, “Blow-out sale. Everything in store 30% off. All inventory must go”. So, I assumed it was a closing out sale. I asked the 'I'm too cool to talk to you' sales clerk when the store was closing and he said it wasn't. Ohhhh...it's a secret then? Well the blaring yellow and black signs you have plastered on every square inch of the store and fact that I couldn't even find an Eminem CD may give that secret away, FYI (I've since Googled and apparently CD Plus is in fact closing). Record store excursion=Fail.

At this point I'd had enough of the mall and went back to Zellers as that is where I had parked. I remembered that I forgot to buy tinfoil and dish soap. I went to the soap section and the soap I wanted was too high for me to reach. I had to stand on the bottom shelf and then use another bottle of soap to try move the one I wanted closer to me so I could grab it. Several people taller than 5 foot fucking 3 (rounded up from 5'2 ^3/4 ) walked by but could ONE offer to help me? FML.

After that...I was DONE. There are some days when going to the mall is not a very good idea. This was clearly one of those days. I shoulda got outta dodge after witnessing the freak out in the underwear department. I also should have stayed home and watched Jersey Shore. Even THAT would have been less painful.

If you go out shopping this weekend...take my advice and avoid the men's underwear department. Oh and if you see a flat-iron kiosk...run like hell.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Hi. My Name is Stacey and I am a Shoe-aholic

Much has been made about my “collection” of shoes. I have a lot, I'm not gonna lie. I'm sure someone could put a down-payment on a house with the amount I have spent on them. Sick, I know, but they bring me so much joy and happiness. Shoes are the children of the childless and what brings more joy than children? There are a lot of shoes out there that don't have anyone to love them and that is where I come in. If I see a lonely pair of shoes, being the kind and compassionate girl that I am, I am going to bring them home with me. I know, I am a shoemanitarian.

Some of the kids.

My shoes have many different personalities, just like children. I have the bad-ass black boots. I have the “conservative” work shoe (though my dear friend, Allison, would say that my definition of conservative is a little off). I have the naughty stiletto and the sensible flat. There are the cutesy shoes with bows and the rockin' shoes with skulls. I really do have them all which makes me wonder...do I have too many? When putting an outfit together the hardest part is picking out a pair of shoes and it's not because I don't have anything that works. It's because I have too many that work. Sigh. Life is tough.

There are many, many reasons to love shoes. Here's a brief list:

1. Shoes will fit when the jeans don't. Unlike jeans...shoes don't care if you have put on 5lbs. Screw you, jeans!
   
   
2. Shoes are little works of art. I'm sure I am not the only one who displays her shoes for all to see. The craftsmanship, the supple leather, the rich suede, the shiny patent, the colours, the textures, the applique's, the...EVERYTHING!
   
   
3. We need shoes to function on a daily basis. It's true. Don't ever let anyone give you slack for buying a pair of shoes. We literally need them.
   
   
4. Shoes get attention. Nothing will turn heads like a hot pair of shoes. Men...if you want attention from women, you better invest in a good pair of shoes. Shoes really do make the man.
   
   
5. Purchasing shoes gives a high like nothing else. Oh yes...there is a new drug in town. Hmm, how long until Shoe-aholic Anonymous meetings start popping up?
   
   
6. Shoes bring people together. Maybe if the war-mongers of the world wore nicer shoes they would unite and the world would finally have peace. Just sayin'.
   
   
7. Shoes don't discriminate. There is a shoe for every person in every income bracket. I have cheapo boots from the Giant Tiger that kick-ass and I have $300+ Fluevogs that are like walking on a cloud. I love them equally. Parents don't choose favourites ;).
   
   
8. When said jeans don't fit, wear a skirt and heels and your legs look fabulous.
   
   
9. Shopping for shoes is therapeutic. Why spend $100 to see a psychologist for one hour when you can spend that money on a pair of shoes that will bring you happiness for years to come?
   
   
10. Variety! Stilettos, wedges, flats, heels, slingbacks, espadrilles, flip-flops, platforms, Mary-Janes, sandals, boots, the list goes on!

My Baba always told me that if I was going to spend money on anything, to spend it on a really good pair of shoes. Thanks, Baba <3.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Half of my shoe closet (used to be a front hall closet for coats).

Hungry Eyes

Have you ever had one of those days when you just can't seem to eat enough? When nothing you munch on seems to satisfy your hunger? That was my Monday. It was one of those days where I feared that the light in the fridge was going to give me a tan because I spent half the day standing there with the door open. And let's be honest, it's not like the fridge is going to restock itself and surprise me with a treat that wasn't there when I checked it 15 minutes ago.

Now let's get one thing straight. Yes, I am a girl but, unlike a lot of girls nowadays, I like to eat. I REALLY like to eat. If I could get paid to eat...I would be very wealthy. I've been known to polish off 2 steaks (and all the fixings) in one sitting. I've also been known to eat until I am rolling around on the floor in agony because I ate too much (agony and bliss are one and the same, right?). What can I say? I. LOVE. FOOD. I think food is one of the greatest joys in life. I get so pissed off at these celebrities who subsist on lettuce and seeds. If I had unlimited funds and time and access like they do? Let me tell you...I would be eating a hell of a lot more than rabbit food and bird seed. Hear that Angelina?

Lately, there seems to be a surge of people getting their stomachs stapled or a lapband put on. I would like the opposite, please. I don't want my stomach clamped. I want an expander put in it so I can eat more! My eyes are WAY bigger than my stomach and it sucks (and contrary to popular belief...we do not, in-fact, eat with our eyes first). I would have thought after this many years of stuffing my face that my tummy would have just naturally expanded (well, it did...unfortunately on the outside instead of the inside). Sigh.

I guess I better go. It's 9:30pm and there are at least 3 more snacks to prepare tonight. I should also go and check the fridge...just in case I missed something the last 25 times I checked it.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Welcome to My Nightmare

I woke up this morning and, as always, “reviewed” last night's dreams. I have extremely vivid, detailed dreams and always remember every last detail. Always. Sometimes this is a good thing (when I am a rockstar wife). More often than not, a bad thing (when I give birth to a kitten and the umbilical cord is coming out of my mouth and I am pleading with the nurse to cut it because “it doesn't look good”). Then there are the dreams that verge on interfering with real life.

As of late I have been dreaming about a variety of guys I have liked in the past. I have no idea why. It's not like I am still hooked on any of them. In most cases I wouldn't touch any of them with a 10 foot pole and in the very special cases, I think I need to seriously reevaluate my standards *insert dry heave here*. The problem with these dreams is that I usually wake up and feel like I LIKE these jokers again. I sure as hell wouldn't act on it but it's like I wake up with a ridiculous teenage crush. WTF? What is this? I know I have been single for a very, very.....very long time but Jesus...is my subconscious telling me that I have to recycle? Because that ain't gonna happen. I'd rather end up a glitter covered spinster with a flask in her housecoat pocket who drones on about how cool she used to be “back in ____(insert year here)”.

I wish we had the ability to turn the dream channel if we don't like what is floating around in our heads. I mean, I often wake up a few times a night but nine times out of ten, when I fall back asleep, my dream picks up where it left off. I know a lot of people would probably love to have this “gift” but it is REALLY annoying...especially when I am making-out with some mullet-sporting, skin tight jeans wearing yahoo from 1989. Trust me, if I could regift this ability to someone else...God dammit I would.

Anyway, this is what is going on in my head at the moment. I look so forward to hittin' the hay tonight *rolling eyes*. I swear...a lobotomy is looking more and more tempting all the time.

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Welcome to my nightmare.

Hey, FREAK!

Callie: Auntie? Why are you the only white one in the family when the rest of us are skin colour?

Me: Because I don't go in the sun...I don't want wrinkles.

Callie: Well I go in the sun and I don't have wrinkles.

Me: Callie, you are SIX.

The above is a conversation I had with my beloved niece a couple of weeks ago. She is right. I have the whitest skin in my family. Hell, I may have the whitest skin in Saskatoon! This isn't anything new. The last time I had a tan was when I was 14 years old. I believe that tan came from skipping class to hangout on the front steps of my high school and smoke (sorry, Mom).

I've been given many a nickname over the years because of my pale skin. I've been called pretty things like Snow White and China Doll and not so pretty things like Casper, Powder (from the movie about the albino boy with super-powers) and the Grim Reaper. I've had people ask me if I am wearing white pantyhose and tell me that the glare off my legs is blinding them (put on some fucking shades then).

Why have I kept my skin lily-white for so many years when it causes such a reaction? It started quite innocently, really. I mean I was a normal child, relatively speaking. My siblings and I spent our childhood outside, playing in the sun, and I loved every minute of it. It all changed though when I was 15. My family and I went to Vancouver to visit relatives. My cousin Susan (whose family we stayed with) and I lived and breathed music. While I was there she turned me on to an industrial Vancouver band called Skinny Puppy. I fell in love with them instantly. I guess to describe them to you I would have to say they had a “goth” look (though this term wasn't coined until many years later). This introduction had a profound effect on my life.

While in Vancouver, we went down to Granville Street to shop. Back then, Granville was a haven for punk rockers. Susan and I would sit there in absolute awe of these people. I was especially affected as I was always very taken with anything outside of the norm (hey baby...I was BORN this way!). As we were hanging out and acting like the uber-cool 15 year old girls that we were, 2 members of Skinny Puppy walked by. As you can imagine, we lost our fucking minds. These guys were coolness personified. That was IT. I was “becoming” punk as soon as humanly possible.

Susan and I after shopping on Granville Street.

My transformation didn't happen until we got home from Van. I had to do it in stages so as not to alarm the parental units. I got my hair cut shorter...and shorter. My sister then dyed it black (what a mess!) and I spiked it up using what was probably a full bottle of “Finesse” hairspray. Next, I took some white Halloween make-up and mixed it with my foundation so I could make my face as white as possible. I drew on the blackest of black liquid eyeliner and tinged my red lipstick, black. My transformation was at last complete!

Transformation, complete.

I'd always enjoyed getting attention (shocking, I know) and the attention I drew looking like this was something I had never dreamed of. I would walk down the street and people would stare. They would roll down their car windows and yell, “FREAK”. I. LOVED. IT. I loved looking different. Being different. Walking to the beat of a different drummer!

Many years have passed but my skin is still the same colour it was when I was that little 15 year old punk chick. I still like being different, and still (definitely) walk to the beat of a different drummer. Society dictates that tanned skin represents everything from being healthy to being sexy. I wholeheartedly disagree. I am proud that I have never succumbed to society's standards of what is considered “beautiful”. I take pride in being different...even if some people think I am weird or are disgusted by my lily-white legs. Last but not least, I am thrilled that at the age of 40, I have nary a line or wrinkle on my face. This is the little bonus of avoiding the sun that I didn't really think about until I was older. All the years of teasing and name calling I endured were worth it. This pale skinned freak is gonna have the last laugh!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

If Y'all Are Gonna Bitch..So Am I!

Everybody seems so bitchy because of the weather lately. So, in keeping with the theme of bitchiness, I thought today would be a good day for one of my rants. Here goes:

1. Toddlers and Tiaras. This is a show on TLC about the world of child beauty pageants. I am not a regular viewer but have tuned in a couple of times (hard to look away from a train-wreck). This show is every bit as terrifying as the 'Saw' horror movie franchise. These kids, no, demons, scare the shit out of me with their spray tans, fake teeth and caked on make-up. Why is this acceptable? Society is going straight to hell.

2. Home parties. No, I don't mean house parties. I mean Tupperware, Mary Kay, Partylite, etc. Is that the way it works now? In order to spend time with friends we have to fork out $100 on products we don't need? We have to sit through an endless “presentation” on how to apply moisturizer? Or a demonstration of the “patented Tupperware burping seal”? I'm sorry. If you invite me to one of these “parties” you better have a bottle of wine with a giant straw in it for me. Oh and PS. I'm not buying anything.

3. Jars. Why the HELL is it so hard to open a bloody jar of ANYTHING? Is it to make me, as a single woman, no...make that chick (I'm not a girl, not yet a woman), feel, yet again, that my life is meaningless without a man? Dear Tostitos: I am eating your nacho cheese and bag of tortilla chips in lieu of having a boyfriend. Please, I beg you, give a single girl a break and make your damn jars easier to open. I really need a snack after I drink my bottle of wine. 

4. Grocery carts for kids. Is this really necessary? I was at Sobeys the other day and was attempting to turn into an aisle only to find it blocked by a mother and 3 kids...ALL with kids sized carts. Really? ALL of your kids need carts in the grocery store at 5pm? Really? If I wasn't medicated I swear I would have smashed into them like a bowling ball crashing into pins. Don't get me wrong, you all know how much I love my niece but there are some things that I really don't think are necessary for kids. This is one of them. When people are at the grocery store, they aren't there to dilly-dally. They are typically in a rush and just want to grab their shit and get the f**k out.

5. TV shows that go on hiatus for what seems like forever. This past fall I became quite intrigued with “The Walking Dead” (shock, shock). It is a drama about a group of survivors in a world overrun by Zombies. The first season only consisted of 6, edge of your seat, nail-biting episodes. Now, it is on hiatus for who knows how long. I fear the predicted Zombie Apocalypse of December 22, 2012, will happen before this show returns. Tip: Zombies can be killed with a bullet or blow to the head. FYI.

6.  Repeated Facebook friend requests. Someone please tell me how any SANE person can send multiple friend request after being denied several times. Who ARE these people? I've had one person request me 8, yes 8, times. Um, not only do I not want to be your friend because I DON'T KNOW YOU but you now have me thinking, in typical paranoid Stacey fashion, that you are stalking me. I swear, when request 10 comes, and it will, I am getting a restraining order. FREAK.

7. Weather. People bitching about the weather lately is driving me NUTS. If you don't like it, if it is too cold...MOVE. Do you suffer from some sort of memory loss? We get winter every year here. Understand? EVERY SINGLE YEAR. And while I am on the topic of weather...it is called SNOW...not "the white stuff". Frick.

8. Cocktails that consist of ¾ ice. When I order a Caesar, I do not want a glass of ice with a splash of Clamato. If that is what you are going to serve me, it had better be no-charge. Last time I checked ice and water were still free (though I am sure those days are numbered). Oh and speaking of Caesars, the celery isn't supposed to flop over the edge of the glass. Don't give me wilty celery or I swear I will beat you with it.

9. Inconsiderate people. I am sure this will be an ongoing feature. Today though, I want to talk about people who doddle when making appointments. For example: I went for a pedicure not long ago. I noticed my esthetician come out of her room with the client before me. This person wanted to book another appointment (my esthetican books her own appointments). Okay, fine, no big deal. Well, after humming and hawing for 10 minutes about when was convenient and what services she should book, I was ready to lose my fucking mind. Seriously, if you are unsure of your availability and/or what services you want to book, please just go home and phone back later. People have schedules. That is why we book appointments. Assholes.

10. Dairy Queen commercials with those stupid, talking, red lips. Enough said.

Well kids, that is it for today. Golden Girls is coming on. Gotta run!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

Work That ASS!

I recently joined the gym after not working out since, uh, for awhile. I had been thinking about exercising for a couple of years but just couldn't seem to actualize my thoughts (code for get my ass off the couch). What finally set the wheels in motion you ask? Well, imagine getting dressed only to realize that your tights are tight. Yup, you read that right. My tights were suddenly tight. I didn't think it was possible either. Upon further inspection I realized that my ass had nearly doubled in size. WTF? I was suddenly the Kim Kardashian of Canada. The horror!

Now, I'm not your typical girl when I go to the gym. You won't find me in overpriced, tight, Lululemon gear. Why people spend a fortune on clothes they are only going to SWEAT in is beyond my comprehension? I don't understand how girls can wear second-skin yoga pants to workout in, either. These pants require one to wear a thong. A THONG? To work out in? I did it...once. The whole time all I could focus on was how soon I would be done so I could sprint to the locker room and pull the damn thing out of my ass. Needless to say that isn't what one should be focusing on while at the gym! I personally need to focus on not flying off the back of the treadmill!

No, I am the girl in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt that came free in a case of beer (said beer had previously been my main form of exercise...bicep curls anyone?). I'm the girl with her hair pulled back in a bandana with no make-up on. I don't get up and get “ready-ready” before I go to the gym (I fully understand this revelation may be shocking to some). Perhaps it is because I, unlike a lot of people, am not there to be noticed by the opposite sex. I spent a good solid 20 years (gag) going the bar trying to get noticed (fail) so I ain't putting myself through that again!

I guess the point of this post is to tell y'all that it really doesn't and shouldn't matter what we look like at the gym. The treadmill is not a runway. And Supermodel Heidi Klum is not standing there waiting to say “auf wiedersehen” (German for good-bye) because our outfit isn't up to par. The point is to get healthy, not just physically but mentally too. If I can get off the couch and start working out, trust me...ANYONE CAN! So folks, just go! Fuck what other people think and DO IT! And hey don't worry, I'll always be the sweatiest girl there!

You know you love me,

Stacey AKA the Kim Kardashian of Canada xo

Kim Kardashian AKA my butt twin

2011 Academy Awards Coverage--Stacey Style

Well, tonight was the 83^rd Annual Academy Awards AKA the biggest ass-kissing, brown-nosing, ego-stroking, starlet-bedding night of the year! I watch the awards every year. And every year I realize that it is 3+ hours that I will never get back. Sigh. Anyway, without further adieu, here is MY take on the 2011 Oscars!

-Sandra Bullock looks amazing. She has more class in her little finger than Kat Von Duh would have if she was cloned. Suck on THAT Jesse James.

-Nicole Kidman can move her face? Apocalypse! Apocalypse! I think it is to distract from the giant white,bedazzled sheet she is wearing for a dress. Boo Dior, boooo!

-FU Gwenyth Paltrow. That's all.

-Mila Kunis-GORGEOUS. Three cheers for flat-chested brunettes!

-Scarlet Johansson...thank you for being the Ambassador for girls who actually have asses and curves. We accept you as our bodacious leader! When the hell did women start wanting to have the bodies of 12 year old boys anyway? And when did men start finding this attractive? Does no-one remember that there is nothing more grotesque than a 12 year old boy?

-Hugh Jackman kinda looks like a platypus. Is it just me?

-Halle Berry. Get over yourself. We KNOW you are a “woman of colour”. You've told us a thousand times. It has nothing to do with anything and we kinda figured you weren't just really tanned.

-Tom Hanks...remove the stick out of your ass. When did you become such a pretentious ass? Remember where you came from Tommy. ”Bosom Buddies” anyone?

-7:40pm—The “hoping to attract a younger demographic” hosts are so far annoying the shit out of me....a mere 10 minutes into the show. This doesn't bode well. Longing for Ricky Gervais.

-7:43pm—Bored as fuck. Considering doing a shot every time I am annoyed. May not make it to 8:43 though.

-Kirk Douglas is amazing. Despite suffering a debilitating stroke a few years ago and the fact that he is 152 years old, he is kicking ass! I love when older people call movies “pictures”. It's, like, so old Hollywood.

-Best Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo. Who the fuck is Melissa Leo? Anyone? Anyone? HA, who cares! She just slipped in an F-bomb! Fucking awesome! A little worried though that this will be the highlight of the night.

-Good thing I didn't start doing shots. James Franco in drag=Forceful, spontaneous, projectile VOMIT. Jeebus. Who is coming up with this shit?

-Best Supporting Actor: Christian Bale. YESSSSSS! HOT! English accent, HOT! Scruff on the face, HOT! Modest, HOT! Oh, and did I mention he is HOT???

-8:43pm—Survived the first hour. Two more to go. Christ, two more life sucking hours to go. I need a drin...errr, snack.

-AN OSCAR FOR TRENT F-ING REZNOR (he is the singer for Nine Inch Nails for those who don't know) for Best Original Score. Damn he cleans up nice. I am covered in goosebumps! This is too cool and SO deserved. Must message my friend Justin (a very talented Canadian artist: http://justincritch.daportfolio.com/  immediately!

-Matthew McConaughey will always be Wooderson "That's what I love about these high school girls, man. I get older, they stay the same age" to me. Without a doubt his best role to date. Love me some 'Dazed and Confused'.

-Best Costume Design to Alice in Wonderland. So incredibly deserved. I adore this film. It is a feast for the eyes (and not just because Johnny Depp is in it). One of my favourite quotes comes from this movie: “Mad Hatter: Have I gone mad? Alice: I’m afraid so, you’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. ALL THE BEST PEOPLE ARE.”

- 9:15pm—Wandering around the house looking for something to do. Christ are these awards a yawn-fest. I really should record them for those nights I can't fall asleep. Zzzzzzz.

-Oprah Winfrey? WTF? It is impossible to escape this woman. I thought now that she had her “OWN” network she would leave us alone. RAGE, RAGE, RAGE. I SO wish I could tell y'all what my sister, Tara, calls Oprah. She would kill me though. It's one of the funniest things I have ever heard.

-Quick...someone kidnap the hosts and lock 'em in a closet! Billy Crystal is on..let him takeover as host. PUHLEEEZE. We are dyin' ovah heyah.

-Robert Dowey, Jr. That's all.

-9:45pm—Making snacks, Facebooking, taking my vitamins, Facebooking, thinking about where to go to buy good underwear while ripping off my totally uncomfortable bra, eating, Facebooking, wishing I could fast forward through the next hour.

-FU Gwenyth Paltrow.

-Oh fuck. Shoot me now. Celine Dion is singing. First TV mute of the night starts........now. And the mute continues due to Halle “I'm a woman of colour” Berry's tribute to Lena Horn. Why does Lena get a special shout out. What about Corey Haim? Oscar Academy assholes! Corey Feldman is going to be ALL up in yo face now. You have been warned.

-And hey? Where the hell are the BRANGE? Skeletor...I mean Angelina Jolie, LIVES for public displays of affection at awards shows. Meh...I'm just going to be thankful I don't have to see her in another hideous dress that hangs on her skeletal body paired with her hair in an 80's French twist.

-Best Actress Award: Natalie Portman. Okay, you won the Oscar. Everyone knew you would, including you (it's so obvious). After watching your Golden Globe speech... you, my dear, get the MUTE button. I do like your earrings though.

-Did James Franco get paid with pot? There is no other way someone can stand there for 3 hours with a stupid shit-eating grin on their face. Seriously dude, smoke another bat.

-Best Actor Award: *Early bets that Colin Firth wins. The Academy loves their period pieces*. Yup...Colin Firth. BAM! I like him. He seems like a really nice guy. AND he is British (Stacey loves all things British...especially the men). Oh..he just made a diarrhea joke. Like him even more now!

-Best Picture Award: The King's Speech. No comment. Haven't seen it, prob never will. Stuffy old academy.

Annnnd that's a wrap! Good-bye 3 hours and 42 minutes. I'm sorry I so thoughtlessly let you go, never to return. Good-bye pampered, entitled, self-indulgent celebs. You all make me sick and I love you. I spend way too much time reading about you, watching you, and now...writing about you. And good-bye my new blog readers. I hope I have entertained you and put different spin on a very boring awards show. Good night all!

You know you love me,

Stacey xo

The Little Girl in the Black Dress (Inspired by a true story)

The little girl in the black dress walked through the park. It was a bright, sunny day yet she was surrounded by darkness. The children in the distance were enveloped by light. It seemed to emanate from within. The little girl tried to outrun the darkness but couldn't. No matter how hard she tried or how fast she ran the darkness pulled her back. She screamed in the shadows but no-one could hear her. Weak from defeat, she curled up in a ball and let sorrow consume her.

Then one day, many months later, the little girl woke up. She felt something she had never felt before. She felt strong. As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes she realized that the light had found her. The same light that she had tried so desperately to run toward. The light that surrounded the children in the park. She got up, straightened her black dress and started to run. She turned her head and looked back expecting to be captured, once again, by the ebony haze. Only this time, she had defeated the darkness. She had outrun the shadows.

An Oldie but Goodie...

Seeing as tomorrow's blog is likely to be a big one due to some Stacey style Oscar coverage, I thought I would post one of my infamous rants. This one is from Oct 2009. Enjoy! 


Here it is kids…the rant you have all been waiting for. What brought this one on you ask? A little condition called PMS…Perturbed Ms. Sookerokoff. I've been suffering from this condition for about a week so what better time to RANT my face off. So, without further delay, let’s get started… 

1. Halloween is just around the corner. I’ve seen the odd flyer come out for a few stores around town. Here is my question for all y’all. When did Halloween become a contest for who can dress the sluttiest or wear the least amount of clothing? I have seen ads for “Slutty Dorothy” (which is blasphemy in my opinion), Slutty Nurse, Slutty Witch and, my personal favourite, Slutty plumber. Yes, SLUTTY PLUMBER. Now, we have all seen it, the 200 lb, balding man in ill fitting pants kneeling on all fours with his crack hanging out for all to see. I ask you…was this the inspiration for “Slutty Plumber”??? Did I miss the latest article of “What’s Sexy Now”? Sigh…I long for the 80’s…the conservative, covered up 80’s. Oh and girls wearing lingerie and a pair of rabbit ears and calling it a RABBIT COSTUME …you DO look like a slut. Cover up for Christ sake! 

2. The other day we had our first snowfall. Oh, pretty snow, cascading down from the sky every so gently. Piling up on our cars as we work away at our desks. Piling up inch by inch, foot by foot. We leave work and walk through this fresh new Winter Wonderland to our vehicles and get out our trusty snow brushes and sweep, sweep, sweep the snow away. WELL...MOST OF US DO. Except for the lazy assholes who choose to drive around the city with 3 feet of snow piled up on their cars and a peephole the size of a dinner plate to see through the windshield. Who are these people? I want to pull every single one of these pr*cks out of their cars, stuff snow down the front AND back of their pants, and give them a facewash until they are on their knees BEGGING me to stop. Then and only then will I stop and make them sign a legal contract stating that they will NEVER drive without sweeping off their car first again. ARGH. Call me Scrooge...I dare you. 

3. Why do fast food restaurants use anemic white/pink tomatoes that are hard as a rock? Do they not realize that tomatoes are supposed to be luscious and RED? I had Taco Time today and nearly broke my front tooth trying to bite into a tomato. WTF? Where do these bloody things come from? The North Pole? 

4. Dear Facebook: Call me crazy but if I wanted to be friends with the EX-BOYFRIEND that shows up daily in the Suggestion section of my Home Page I probably would be, don’t you think? But thank you so much for showing me his picture on a DAILY BASIS. Nothing like rehashing DAILY how he broke up with me by playing “New Girl Now” by Honeymoon Suite into the phone (true story). 

5. Jon and Kate. Ruin your kid’s lives much? Why are people still talking about these idiots? I’ve never seen the program and never will. Enough said. 

6. Ohhhhh…here’s one…is it considered “hot” for girls in their teens and early 20’s to have the “muffin tops”? Do young men “dig this”? I see so many girls around the city wearing low-rise jeans with super fitted...oh hell, let's be honest...TIGHT, thin, flimsy material shirts and giant muffin tops (or what us old folks used to call a spare tire). Like is this a trend? Does she with the biggest muffin top win? 

7. This one is very personal—Why is it okay for an office to play country music or God forbid hip-hop when someone calls and they put you on hold? I personally find this to be extremely offensive. Do you know how much shit I would get in if I played Manson for my hold music (I have no control over it but what if). I think hold music should universally be muzak (elevator music) so EVERYONE is equally offended. Equal rights people, EQUAL RIGHTS! 

8. UPS-I HATE YOU. I orderd a CD from Amazon. I've done it before. Usually it ends up in my mailbox. Not this time. After receiving 2 notices on my building that UPS had been here between 8:30-10:30 and 2:00-5:00 (oh, sorry I didn't take the day off to wait for you), I had to call them to make other "arrangements" to pick up my parcel. So, first of all, I had to try and figure out where the HELL to call. I thought I would call the UPS number in the Saskatoon phonebook, makes sense right? Noooooooooooo. Those numbers are for the UPS Store. Let that be a warning. Do you think either one of the stores I called could give me a number of where to pick up my parcel? Noooooo. They are "franchises". SO SORRY TO DISTURB YOU. So, I find an 800 number on the card that was left. Do you think I could reach a person? Well, after listening to about 18 menu options and pushing about 35 random buttoms I got Paco. Paco was not from Saskatoon nor was he from Saskatchewan. I asked Paco where the hell my package was. He said it was being delivered to my house. I told him I was at WORK like the 2 previous days. He asked if it "could be left in the garage?", NO I live in a condo, "with a neighbor?"...my neighbour LIVES IN THE CONDO. Finally he said it could be picked up on 60th street. There was no way I could get there by 6 so my brother agreed to go. So, he went at lunch time. Well, of course their hours were from 4pm to 6pm. Yes, a TWO HOUR WINDOW FOR PICK-UPS. This may be the SHITTIEST courier service EVER. I will NEVER order from anyone that uses UPS again. As a side note to just how shitty they are. I once had a MAC make-up order delivered to my Mom's office. The UPS guy left it in front of the office door instead of taking it in. It was 2pm in the afternoon. The office was open. A patient had to take it in and give it to my Mom. The package had $400 worth of make-up in it. Useless f-ing idiot. How is THAT for a rant within a rant. TIP OF THE DAY: NEVER USE UPS. Their customer service STINKS. 

I am old, I am tired. I must go. Never fear though my children...with the amount of idiots roaming the streets freely...I will never run out of material for my rants. I weep for the future. 

Love...S xo

Oh, Charlie

I woke up this morning and, as usual, read my celebrity blogs. I mean, who can start the day without knowing what is going on with our precious celebrities??? Those who know me, know that I have a bit of an unabashed obsession with celebs. It started when I was probably 7 or 8...for real (I know this age is common now but back in the..uh...day...it wasn't). My Grandma Sook always had tons of movie star books (I have them now) and she was a faithful Enquirer reader. Scouring the news stand rag was something we did together. I look back on that time fondly.

Anyway, I digress. The first article I read this morning was on Charlie Sheen. His show "Two and a Half Men" has stopped production. Charlie is up in arms and went on a rant about the producer of the show. Here is the quote that inspired today's post:

"Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words — imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists."-Charlie Sheen


Dear Charlie:
You are batshit fucking crazy and I love you. Please do not go to rehab. The coked out, porn star screwing, train wreck Charlie kicks ass! We are desperate for more quotes like this. Call me...I will be your loyal enabler.
Love: Stacey xo

In my opinion, Charlie Sheen is responsible for one of the hands-down sexiest scenes in cinematic history. A pic is worth a thousand words:

His role as "boy in police station" was HOT. I would pay ANYTHING to see that scene remade with Jennifer and Charlie NOW. It. Would. Be. Awesome.

Anyway...have a great weekend. If you are cold...drink Jag. It cures everything.

You know you love me,
Stacey xo

Here Goes Nothin'

Hey! It's me...Stace! Welcome to my blog, "Stacey Stuff" or as I like to call it, "Inane Ramblings of a Self-professed Crazy Person".

Over the years I have had several friends essentially BEG me to start a blog. Okay, beg may be a bit of an overstatement but it's been suggested to me often. Even before the creation of the world wide web/blogosphere I was encouraged to write, old fashioned style...you know...actually WRITE...with a pen and paper. Some of you youngins out there may not understand that concept. Why anyone wants to read what goes on in my head is beyond me. Sometimes I wish I could escape mySELF!

Basically, Stacey Stuff is going to be just that. Things that I love, things that I hate, things that piss me off, things that blow my mind. I tend to write like I talk. So with that being said...at times the language may be a tad colourful. But, I am a firm believer that the odd expletive thrown into a sentence makes it that much more descriptive (or maybe I just like to swear?). I don't plan on offending anyone but, it may happen from time to time. I have an opinion and I'm not afraid to use it. I am also a very passionate person who doesn't think before she talks...writes...and soon, blogs.

I am unsure as to the frequency of my postings but going by how much I write in my head while trying to sleep, I imagine it will be often. I also imagine a lot of these posts will be written in the wee hours of the night, which for whatever reason, is when I am the most inspired. Apparently this is common among those who are creative...or insane.

I'm still learning how this whole blogging thing works so bear with me. It is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.

You know you love me,
Stacey xo